''It's not how you have it, but how you take it.'' - Mona

I've been told that my pages are just a notch too optimistic for some tastes. Perhaps I've given you, my readers, the impression that I'm more optimistic than the poor saps who were nailed up for crucifixion during the finale of Monty Python's Life of Brian, gleefully singing ''Always Look On the Bright Side of Life'' and tapping their feet to the music.

Does Tromsø have a dark underbelly? Has my trip been wrought with all sorts of hideous misadventures that I've neglected to include on these pages? If the proliferation of schlocky tabloids like VG in Tromsø is any indication, people are fond of dirt. So here it is, kids, the Dark Side of Tromsø.

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WG: All The Dirt That's Fit To Print

WEATHER ''NOT ALWAYS GOOD,'' SOURCES SAY

In this image, Tromsaltinden is seen covered in ominous, evil clouds. Locals expect many more days of equally dreary weather, although some are optimistic that we may continue to be ''this lucky.''

''Don't forget, we had 28-degree weather a few weeks back,'' said one source. ''It's not every year we get this much sun.''

TRASH HEAP DISCOVERED BESIDE STUDENT HOUSING

Espen, a student who has lived at Tunvegen since before the dump was closed, claims that shotgun and handgun fire could be heard coming from the site ''at least once a week.'' The shots were the result of mercy-killings of birds who would get caught in the net covering the trash.

While the dump no longer stinks, it certainly is an eyesore, particularly from the mainland. Thankfully, considerable fencing and foliage around the dump obscure it from all but the most curious individual when viewed from Tunvegen.

TRIP TO FINNMARK TAKES ELEVEN HOURS, ENDS IN SEX

Kenneth checked in at the local airport at 17.40 on Friday to discover that the plane was fifteen minutes late. He remembers thinking, ''OK, no problem. I'll just go and relax with a cigarette.''

The plane took off at 18.30, and things were ''looking good.'' Kenneth remembered thinking, ''Hopefully I'll be at my girlfriend [Tone]'s place in a couple of hours,'' while he opened his copy of Stephen Hawkings' ''The Universe.''

Problems began during descent into Kirkenes airport around 19.20. The Captain reported that they would land in fifteen minutes, which would leave Kenneth with just enough time to catch his connecting flight. Five minutes later, the plane veered to the right and the engines ''went full throttle. 'What the f**k is going on here,' I thought as I looked out the window. I couldn't see anyting. Were we still inside the clouds, or was it fog?''

''The Captain came on the air, saying, 'We can not land just now because of weather and other stuff.' Other stuff?? What the heck does he mean by that?'' The Captain came on moments later to say, ''We will circle for a few minutes and then try again.''

The plane made a second try at landing. This time, the Captain didn't bother to turn when he aborted the landing: ''He just pulls back on the stick and gives full throttle. Now this is not a situation I find enjoyable,'' noted Kenneth.

Kenneth continues, ''Wishing that I never had started on this trip, I hear the captain on the speakers again: 'Ladies and gentlemen, we had to abort the landing attempt again, as there has been some thunder and lightning at the airfield and some inflight equipment has been destroyed. We will now circle a few minutes more while i contact SAS norway'' (Kenneth was flying with the airline SAS, Scandinavian Airlines Systems.)

Kenneth grumbled and sank further down into his seat. A few minutes later, the loudspeaker again: ''Ladies and gentlemen, I have now been in contact with SAS Norway and have been instructed to fly to Alta.''

As Kenneth put it, ''Que?''

Alta is only half-way to to the plane's destination, Kirkenes. With no money, no extra clothes and no supplies, Kenneth was to land in the middle of Northern Norway. The Captain received new orders to divert to another airport called ''Lakselv'' where he landed flawlessly. Some of the younger passengers were ''very upset to hear that we would have to take busses to Kirkenes.''

Lakselv, in Kenneth's words, is ''not a city. You might call it a small town, but I have never been there before and of the little I saw it just looked like a collection of some houses around the airport.'' Kenneth notes that apologies are in order to anyone from Lakselv if he is mistaken.

After 30 minutes, SAS managed to put some 120 passengers into 2 busses: 1 heading for Kirkenes, and the other for some smaller airfields further to the north. One of these airfields was Vardø, Kenneth's eventual destination. He was told the trip would take about 5 hours. (Please see the above map to put all of this in perspective. Note Tromsø is on the far left.)

There were too many on board Kenneth's bus, and so some of the people on the bus had to get off and wait for another to come. ''This did NOT make SAS very popular... I can distinctly remember quite a lot of swearing words I will not repeat here.'' Airline regulations required SAS to stop the bus for food, a sojourn that took the passengers through a thirty-minute lineup at a small ''vei kro,'' or restaurant.

Kenneth ended up seated beside Paul, a Belgian who didn't speak a word of Norwegian. After leaving the restaurant, Kenneth discovered Paul is a ''really nice guy,'' and an insurance agent in a large organization based in France. He had been traveling all over the world, and this time northern Norway was his destination, though he was actually destined for Murmansk in Russia.

The bus trip was thus looking up until a couple of guys in the back of the bus began drinking, and, after almost two hours of alcohol consumption, were ''getting VERY drunk. Some of the people further back in the bus tried talking to them, but to no avail. Actually, two of them got really [angry] and started shouting and yelling in the bus, waving their arms and gesticulating wildly.'' Eventually, ''mothers in the back sent all the children to the front of the bus. At this time the bus driver had had enough and called the police.''

Before the police arrived, two things happened.

First, the bus stopped for a short stretch break. The two drunken individuals in the back of the bus fell asleep.

Second, thirty minutes later, the bus broke down.

''In the middle of nowhere at the top of a mountain, the bus suddenly stops. Looking backwards I can see black smoke pouring out of the engine.'' Kenneth cursed, and Paul said, ''something about bad karma.''

Fifteen minutes later, the second bus that was trailing them arrived, and the passengers in Kenneth's broken-down bus transferred to the other vehicle. All the passengers, that is, except the two drunken ones, who were left asleep and alone in the back of the bus, waiting for the police to come and get them.

Kenneth's (second) bus reached Vardø around 0500 in the morning, eleven hours after he departed from Tromsø. Despite his travel woes, Kenneth is able to make light of the situation, quipping, ''May it never happen again...

''Amen.''

VIOLENCE BREAKS OUT IN DOWNTOWN TROMSØ

Fighting broke out last night at DarkLight, a local ''Laser Tag''-style arena where combatants run around a dark, smoke-filled maze firing laser-powered rifle shots at their friends and enemies.

In last night's skirmish, DarkLight's resident sharp-shooter won the match. Dag-Frode, whose performance was apparantly unhindered by his birthday celebrations, came a close second. Kenneth, a veteran who will soon be joining Norway's relief forces in Kosovo, ranked third.

''It's very cool,'' sources say. In this photograph, Liz-Iren, Nadia, Kjersti, Dag-Frode, Evil Espen, Kenneth, Shannon, DarkLight's Hired Assassin and Knut cool down after the violence.

This individual's desperate attempt to look like he belongs in the cyberpunk thriller of the summer, The Matrix, is only marginally successful. He was spotted at DarkLight mumbling to himself, ''There is no spoon,'' and asking the DarkLight staff for ''Guns. Lots of guns.''

The Matrix opens in Tromsø on Friday.

''WRETCHED HIVE OF SCUM AND VILLANY'' FOUND IN TROMSØ MARKET SQUARE

The building is known to be frequented both by underage drinkers and members of Tromsø's drug abuse scene, who, according to sources, are partial to the drug heroin. Reporters from this magazine have not encountered illicit substances while in Tromsø, and thus are unable to confirm or deny these reports.

''Nachspiel!!'' shouted another individual outside of Roger's.

BANK MACHINE STRIKES BACK

When questioned by WG, Robert mentioned that the Sparebank machine was one of only two in the city that had previously accepted his Canadian debit card. ''My situation was further complicated by the fact that the bank machines here never indicate my current balance. I bank blind,'' whined Robert.

When Robert finally discovered how to access his Toronto Dominion bank account on the Internet from outside of North America, he discovered he was some 6000NOK overdrawn, and the bank had shut down access to his account. ''To add insult to injury, they charged me an additional five dollar re-activation fee. Thankfully, I'm getting myself out of this mess using some fancy overseas Mutual Fund footwork.''

Robert noted that both IAESTE Tromsø and his employer, AutoSim, have been very accommodating. He remains unable to open a bank account in Tromsø, as he has not yet received his permanent Personal Number from the Norwegian government.

HIDEOUS VERSION OF CHILDHOOD CLASSIC FOUND ON INTERNET

Only the first chapter of Egner's classic has been abused thus far. The author of this travesty remains unknown.

WG Smile of the Day:

''You think too much,'' complained Shannon, ''You're going to get a brain tumor.''

Espen spoke in my defense: ''Well, you've gotta die of something.''